On Journaling

Well, 24 hours and nobody has read yesterday's post. That's okay. I'm really embarrassed by it. It was stream-of-consciousness writing, as almost all my writing is, but even so, it was pretty bad. I've looked back over the journaling I've done over the last few years, and I see some bright spots, but mostly I see confusion, disorganization, poor grammar, and flights of emotion that wouldn't be out of place in an eighth grade boy experiencing his first crush. Oh! the highs and lows! What stand out mainly, though, are the preaching sanctimony and the pride I take in my negative qualities. And here I go again, bragging about how bad my writing is.
I have to remember that journaling is not supposed to be literary, unless you're Samuel Pepys or someone like that. Journaling is the first draft of the defense of your life--your first attempt to express what you will say when you stand naked before the Great White Throne. These words, rushed and unpolished as they are, go far in revealing your true self, at least they do as long as you are honest and remember that you are not writing for an audience. Your thoughts and words are your only possessions, and they are precious and meaningful, however rambling and ill-chosen they are.
So I take ownership of the words I write. They reveal unpleasant things about me, mainly that I'm not nearly as smart as I usually think I am. But they also reveal the better angel of my nature. With due humility I can say that hidden in the dross of five years of nearly daily journaling are some gems, some real flashes of insight, and some fine turns of phrase. Maybe I can publish those in a slim little pamphlet some day.
Anyway, if you, should stumble upon this blog post some lonely night: if you don't keep a journal now, start one. Write in it regularly. You don't have to write every day, but the more you write the better you will get at it. Don't edit yourself. Write as fast as you can. Write anything that comes into your head. I try to avoid the stuff like "Dear Diary, today I got up and had corn flakes for breakfast,..." but that's just me. After years of writing, I'm still stuck with the notion that everything I write has to be profound. Your writing will feel stilted at first, but as you continue, you will  find that you feel less self-conscious and more natural. You will train yourself to write down what you really think, and you will think about things that you've never thought about before, or you will think about old things in new ways. Above all, be honest, as honest as you can. Write as though you are having a conversation with someone who knows everything there is to know about you but who still loves you anyway. You will constantly surprise yourself. You will sometimes amaze yourself. You will (frequently, in my case) embarrass yourself, even though you're pretty sure no one will see this stuff before you're dead. And if you have advance warning about your death, you may have time to burn it all if you want to.
I try to write every day, usually during my lunch break at work. Eating takes 5 minutes. Going to the can takes another five minutes. That leaves me fifty minutes or so to write. I write about what I'm thinking about that day. Maybe I saw a quotation that got me thinking. Maybe something in the news stimulated me, or maybe a long-lost memory will pop out.  Sometimes I struggle to get fifty words out--even after years of journaling I can't always write so much as a full page--but sometimes something snaps and the words just seem to write themselves as fast as I can guide the pen. Some of my worst writing has been done that way, but also some of my finest.
One final word: I try to avoid writing when I'm horny. The results are not good. Enough said.
Bottom line: Write, damnit! You'll be glad you did.