From My Journals

June 23, 2009
After I worked out, I went to the chapel to pray for the first time in a long time. I don't count the formulaic prayers said at church. They're too new-agey and feelgood. Confession--the admission of sin--seems to be out of fashion these days. I don't think you should overdo it, but, to me, a healthy prayer life includes the full and frank admission of one's wrongdoing ("sin") and request for pardon. But what do I know.
I got there at 10:15 P.M. I sat quietly and read the story of David and Goliath from 1 Samuel 17. I don't know why. It's a good story, though. Maybe that's reason enough to read it. I can just imagine the ancient Israelites gathered around a campfire while the local bard spins the tale, with appropriate gestures and sound effects, pregnant pauses, etc., while his audience sits spellbound,
After that, I tried some of that mindfulness breathing that I read about in Thich Nhat Hanh's book about anger. As I inhaled, I said, silently, "Breathing in, I inhale the love of God." As I exhaled, I said, "Breathing out, I breathe out my fear of life." I tried to repeat this twenty times, but always after repeating it four or five times, my mind would wander.
After that, I knelt on the handy kneeler--this is a Catholic chapel--and said another silent prayer, something like, "God, I need faith. To get it, I'm supposed to expose myself to you. Well, here I am. If it is your will, help me find just enough faith so that I come back tomorrow."
When I left, I felt calmer than when I arrived, but I didn't feel particularly enlightened.

June 24, 2009
It's very peaceful, as you might expect, in the Adoration Chapel. No distractions--just silence and the presence of a few other folks who are praying, meditating, or just reading. I did the same thing tonight as I did last night: read the Bible (Isaiah 55 & Romans 3). Then I did the breathing thing: "Breathing in, I inhale the love of God. Breathing out, I breathe out my fear of life." Sometimes, though, it came out as, "Breathing in, I inhale the fear of God," or "Breathing out, I breathe out the fear of death." Hmmm.
Lastly I prayed. All I really remember is that I prayed, "I'm available, God. Please help me maintain enough faith to come back tomorrow."

June 25, 2009
I made it back--the third day in a row! There are always people there, at the Adoration Chapel. It's open always. I've been in there at 3:30 A.M. and still there are people praying. I think maybe they sign up for the prayer detail to make sure someone's always there to make sure nobody steals the crucifix. People look up sometimes when I enter. I can tell they know I'm not Catholic. For one thing, I don't genuflect as I cross in front of the altar. But they don't seem to mind. They haven't thrown me out yet.
It is quiet in the chapel, quiet and still. I find it restful just to sit and try to open myself to God. There's no particular trick I use for that. I just say to myself, "Okay, I'm here. Let's listen for God and see what happens." I haven't heard him yet. Tonight, I relaxed and just tried to calm myself. Then I read some Bible, Mark 11 this time. I seem to be skipping around, more or less at random. I do make a conscious choice about my reading, though, not like the Catholics do with Lectio Divina. Then I did my meditation/breathing: "Breathing in, I inhale the love of God. Breathing out, I breathe out my fear of life." It was easier this time. I find that if you focus on the words--really pay attention--you don't get as much background noise. Words like this--a mantra--arte not supposed to matter. But I need them. I guess that ninjas don't get to be black belts overnight, and it takes practice to be good at reaching out to and receiving God.
Tonight, I also read some Thomas Merton--New Seeds of Contemplation. I read part of the chapter on salvation. The good father can be obscure to muddy thinkers such as myself. All his writing seems abstract--very little practical instruction on how to be a contemplative. You have to have true humility, he says, but he doesn't tell you how to get there. Do you just say, "I'm not much of a much. Don't mind me." over and over until you start to believe it? Do you always act as though you are humble, even if you aren't? Do you take pride in your humility? He tells us that the goal of contemplation is to find your "true self." In finding this true self--and he gives no definition of what that might look like--you actually lose yourself and subsume yourself in God. He was obviously influenced by the Eastern Zen Masters.
Merton. Now there's a genius. He leaves me confused. He leaves me with more questions than answers. Father Thomas, how do you achieve that state of Christian satori of which you speak so eloquently? How do you do it? You seem to be saying that the way to God is to stop trying to find God. Don't try--just be. Make yourself available to the spirit of joy--or maybe emptiness--trusting God and knowing that he will lead you to your true self and to him.When you get there, you'll definitely know it, but you won't be able to express it, because God is beyond human expression. In another context., "The Tao that can be expressed is not the Tao." Are you saying that the God who can be expressed is not God?
You seem to be saying, "Stop trying to be what you're not. You can only achieve fullness by emptying yourself. Open your mind and your heart--accept yourself as you are, knowing that somewhere inside you--behind your ego, your greed, your pettiness, your jealousies, your attachments--resides your true self. It wants to emerge, and God wants it to emerge, but there is so much shit in the way. Releasing that shit is the object of contemplation. So you contemplate, but you contemplate without seeking anything in particular. Seeking detachment is its own attachment. When you can rid yourself of all desires--even the desire for union with God--then, at last, you will come home and be united with God.
At least that's what I think the good Father is saying. Serious business to you and me. But as Merton says, "What is very serious to men is often very trivial in the sight of God." So don't take it too seriously.