Last night, I resigned from the Board of Directors of a choral organization in which I sing. That was not an easy thing for me to do. I don't often get asked to serve in any sort of leadership capacity for any group. People just don't think of me as a leader. So when I was asked to step onto the Board, I jumped at the chance. It was a real boost to my ego, let me tell you. Somebody said, "We not only like you, we think you should be in on our decision making." I know, I know, this is a community choir's board of directors, not the U.S. Congress. Still... Friendships and recognition don't come easily to me, and I don't let go of that sort of thing easily.

But, late in life, I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be true to oneself and how God wants us to be the people we are, not the people we want the world to think we are. All my life I have been pretending to be someone I'm not, desperately trying to get folks to like me. I have pretended to be an intellectual. I have a whole wall full of books, many of which--maybe a third--I've read no more than a chapter or two, or less out of. I have poetry, theology, history, philosophy, but I am no poet, theologian, historian, or philosopher. Oh, I'm smart--I have a vast amount of "cocktail party" (Does anybody have those any more?) knowledge. I'm killer at Jeopardy. But if I meet someone who is really knowledgeable about just about anything, I'm left in the dust, and I cringe in humiliation.

Or I have pretended to be a man of God. I think I convinced a lot of people of that--my church, the state organization, the seminary admissions office. Everybody, I guess, except God--and my wife who, in her love, let my fever run its course. I even convinced myself of the truth of that proposition once upon a time. Half my library consists of books of theology--and none of that inspirational or "Purpose Driven Life" shit, either. Real theology: The New Interpreter's Bible (all twelve volumes) seven or eight translations of the Bible, including versions in Greek and Hebrew. Stanley Hauerwas, Hans Kung, Elizabeth Schussler-Fiorenza, JD Crossan, Raymond Brown, Thomas Merton, Gerhard von Rad, The Jesus Seminar, etc.--scads of 'em. But, honestly, my faith is no deeper than a West Texas arroyo in high summer.

I could go on. The point is that I am none of those things: I am not a leader, an intellectual, a man of God, a very good friend, or even a very good person. And it is pointless to try to convince myself and others that I am any of those things. I am none of the things  What I am is an aging cynic with a rather abrasive personality who these days likes nothing more than sitting in the garden with a decent cigar and the New York Times. Or listening to European Jazz. Or singing. Or reading poetry or Thomas Merton. Alone (except for singing).

I wish I could be the sort of person whose company others seek out. The sort of person for whom people pick up little gifts just for the heck of it. The sort of person whom people invite out on their boat. The sort of person whom people invite over to their houses and who drop in unexpectedly, just to pass the time. The sort of person whom people include in their lives. But I'm not. I never have been. I never will be. I just lack whatever magnetism it is that people respond to.

And resigning from the board is a step toward recognizing that. I make this vow, here and now: I will never again pretend to be someone I'm not just to try to make friends. I will be true to myself. I will treasure what friendships I have and accept their friendship however they choose to express it. And I will be true to myself. I will be what I am. I hope that is good enough.

Not much of a blog post, I know. Poorly written. Not well organized. But few will see it, and when they do, they will know a little more about my true self.